I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
