Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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