the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
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Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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