im drinking this country out of the recession.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
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Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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