Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
