You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
