do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
