I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
