glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
