why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You were trust falling into bushes
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
