Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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