apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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