you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
