and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
