We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Sext me about skeletons
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
