i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
