Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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