first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
