I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
