my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
