I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
