this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
