Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
