Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
