you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Ketchup is God's man juice
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
