i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
