No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
