where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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