Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
It's shark week go big or go home
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
