Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
