I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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