My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize
