hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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