I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
