No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
