Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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