I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
