I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
