I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
