Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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