8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
