did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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