I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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