Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
