Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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