wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
