Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
