ya dads aren't the best wingmen
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
