I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I am in a vortex of obligation.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
