i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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