my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
