Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
