Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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