I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
