WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
