You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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