Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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