Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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