Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
