I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
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Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
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You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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