Your dad touched me again.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
