So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
