I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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