i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
