It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
it was like eating out sand paper
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
