I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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