some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
